On Sin and Annoyances...

I can't stand gluttons. Now I can't say too much because I'm guilty of this too, but it really bugs me, especially when the results of someone else's gluttony affects me.

Probably the most stereotyped and oft-seen example is food. My family isn't incredibly rich. We have enough money to get what we need and pay the bills, and we're not afraid to try different things. Still, I hear dad complaining about how he gets paid and all the money just disappears. So when some individual in the family gets home from work, opens the fridge door, and starts stuffing everything they can get their hands on into their mouth...it disgusts me. That container of roast beef costs money. That fudge (which I want to last for a week) is gone in a day, just by one person.

Yes, that person may have paid for the food, but all of us need to eat it! And things like bottles of wine and beer REALLY irk me. (Let me say that I don't have anything against drinking wine or beer.) You don't need wine. It doesn't have any medicinal values. They cost from five to fifteen dollars. Fifteen dollars? That could buy the materials for like ten loaves of bread. It could buy three frozen pizzas, which would save on cleanup and time. I'm not about to "go green" but being careful where we put our money would really save us a lot.

And it wouldn't hurt us to be a little hungry sometimes, now would it?

On Organization...

Life is so short and busy. I've been noticing this more recently; school, work, church, and friends all take up a whole lot of my time. School? That's partially my problem, being that I don't apply myself as I should, and also its pretty pressured because of work. Work? Nothing I can do about that, and it gives me some income (even if very little) but it takes time and I'm beat much of the rest of the day. Church? I love church, and I don't want to do any less work or fellowship there. If anything, I want to get involved more somehow, but I simply can't handle that.

Friends...friends online and in person. The ones online want to talk to me every night, which I'm glad to do, but it really cuts back on things I could be doing. Also, its so impersonal. Just text bantered back and forth. You can't build solid relationships that way! Unfortunately, I don't have any other way to contact some of my friends. It seems to be a slow road to destruction. Unfortunately, the friends I meet in person get less of me than they could because of the online me. I don't know how to carry on a steady conversation, even after several tries. I just can't relate. Well not in person, that is.

On Being a Soundman...

I'm the most-time soundman at our church, and I've picked up some interesting little tidbits through my work. A huge part of it is that, as Sam said, "We are here to not so much provide, but to help the congregation worship. We aren't here to make all the musicians happy and give them a chance to perform." The hardest part of that is when people who can't sing very well get up on stage. I really don't want to just cut them out completely, but I have to view it from the viewpoint of trying to get rid of distractions. That means cutting the people out, but then I have to face them and they wonder why I cut them out of the mix.

Oh, and remember that you always want to drive the bass, drums, and vocals a lot. It gives the best results. *grins*

On Coffeeshops...or rather, not...

I had something really good and cool to talk about, but now I've forgotten. Its something I'm used to, because it seems to happen every time I sit down.

I've been impressed recently with the amount that people can remember. I talk to one person and they tell me everything that happened to them the past week, another person tells me what happened a month ago, etc. (I also found out that I've been spelling etc incorrectly. Pahaha.) I only seem to be able to remember a few hours or so back. Maybe I have prioritized what I do as so unimportant that my mind automatically just forgets it so it'll have more room for what other people said? I really wouldn't mind that, or the concept of that, but it can be quite a bother when I am expected to continue a conversation and I'm just like "Muhhh...I think that I ate food a minute or two ago." I'd be willing to bet that its a bit part of my problem with remembering...

On Introspection and Growing Life...

When we cease resisting Christ and let him into our lives to begin his work, we start changing on the inside. Fruits are a result of Christ's work, not visa-versa. If we take a step back and look at our or others' lives, then we can see how the person slowly changes; inside to outside.

Ephesians 3:16-17.5 says, "I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith."

See that? Inner being! Dwell in our hearts! Change starts on the inside, and moves to the outside.

John 15:5 says, “I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing."

Once again, He remains in us. But right before that, you see, "If you remain in me" so this isn't a one-way relationship. Once we are a Christian, we are saved forever, and cannot lose our salvation. (Romans 8:35-39, John 10:27-30, Timothy 2:19) So it is up to us to keep up our relationship with Christ by submitting to his will and learning about him.

Submitting to his will? What do I mean by that? First, I want to say that free will is the mind choosing. The mind and the will are inseparable. Also, everything we do has a reason and purpose. Humans ("free moral agents" according to R.C. Sproul) always act according the strongest inclination they have at the time of decision. What gives us our inclination?

Well going back to what I said earlier, the mind and the will are inseparable. What is our will? When we are non-Christians, our will is our sin nature. When we are Christians, our will is Christ's will. So when our will is connected to our mind, then either our sin nature or Christ's will is connected to our mind. What our mind chooses is therefore based on either our sin nature or on Christ's will.

Someone remind me to write more on this. I'm not done.

On Death...

How many of your friends would you give your life for? I mean, of course we'd say, "All of them!" But seriously, is that true? Say its a split-second thing. Toss yourself in front of a bullet? Yeah, most people could do that. How about a bit longer term? Say (we'll ignore how improbable this is) a heart transplant. Would you be able to keep your composure for several days, knowing that you're gonna die just to keep someone else alive? All your life dreams, wasted? All the people you wanted to know better and closer, all gone? Think over it for a while. Don't just read it and go on with life.

On Jealousy and Greed...

What drives a typical man? Let's be even more specific. What drives the average teen? Jealousy and greed? Heck yeah. The teen wants to have that one thing that will give them a leg up on everyone else. See that guy driving the 65 Mustang? What guy doesn't start looking at 64 Mustangs and drooling...dreaming of going that one year farther back.

That guy over there who seems to have endless money? Yeah, see him over there in his little crowd of followers? He's keeping them all a little bit away so they don't mess up his perfectly messed up hair and carefully crumpled shirt. He's got the properly rugged stubble and the nice green eyes. Maybe its that girl with the nice legs and her little entourage following her around ogling, or the girl who has the fear and respect of every guy around. Doesn't it make you want to be able to go one step farther?

They have all the girls, all the guys, they've got the nice car, the shoes. You see them drive past and your heart takes a long jealous beat. If only you had his car; if only you had her legs; if only you had the rich parents. Is it really worth it?

You can spend your whole life trying to be that person. You can change your eye color, get major loans and get a nice car. Suddenly you realize that your nice legs you fought so hard to get have little folds of fat. Those shirts don't get you girls, they get you laughed at by teens.

In some ways, I admire hermits and travelers. People who don't give a care.

You just have to be careful about what does matter.

On a Flaw in Reasoning...

Nothing like watching little sections of your friends' lives crumble away bit by bit.

Care for a spot o' tea? It helps the viewing experience.

My Turn...

Do I annoy you? Bother you? Creep you out?
I want the truth and nothing less. Please.

Life and Love and Why

So we'll just round up and say I'm 20. I've lived...1/4 of my life, give or take. What is left so far of me? Well I've made impressions on quite a few people's minds. How well will that last? Lets try...until they die. Then all my impressions are gone.

My car? Well it'll rust away probably by the time I die, and its not really even me. My other car? It'll be junked eventually. No mark on the world there.

I don't have enough money to make a donation or anything, and it'll be forgotten after a while too.

Everything does turn to dust, if you think about it.

My purpose for writing this blog has changed soo much over the years I've had it. At first I meant to use it as a little surprise any stalkers might find, then it morphed into more of a personal journal. That was through a rather hard time in my life. Now? I look back and laugh at how crazy I was! :-D I find it both discomforting and comforting that when I look back in two years or so, I'll continue to think that I was crazy.

With that, I segway into my main point, which I have forgotten. Oh bother.

Of Idiosyncrasy and Non-specivity. Also, trains.

You know what bugs me just a little bit? When people blog about (you think) your friends/you, but they are so focused on not mentioning any names that they end up confusing the heck out of you. Then you spend the rest of the night with a painful pit in your stomach hoping that you/none of your friends have done something to slight this person or make them think something isn't what it is, or maybe that they're right and you/one of your friends has...idk. *shrug* That's just the thing! Plus, this hypothetical blog post has my mind sorta confused in the first place. I guess I should hypothetically ask the hypothetical writer who is exactly asking who, and what is being asked...

J~S

Stalkers

I wonder how much my stalkers stalk me....muahahaha *thinks of evil plan*

Field of Life

I am so selfish. Aren't we all? We let all the things we do be influenced by a hidden motive for ourselves. We say we care for someone, then turn and talk behind the person's back. We cry for sympathy, while quietly stealing all that the sympathetic holds dear, leaving them dashed on the ground, wondering what happened. It is a vicious cycle. Through every person and country, we travel through self-loathing, falling, picking ourselves up, then throwing ourselves at the ground even harder, grasping for things we can't have. We run through the field of life, not noticing all the lives we crush with each step. Take care. Beneath the seeming single sea of grass are tiny individual flowers of people's lives, affected by your every whim. As the flowmetal-faced Erasmus would doubtless have said, "Humans. How stupid."

Why?

I hide so much. Nobody knows what goes on in my mind, because of my perfected mask. Its a layer of silence, with a continual reinforcement of being able to ignore anything. I let few people past my mask, but if those few turn and hurt me, I have no protection. I don't want to let down my facade, but I try to build myself up to the image I have set up for others. I am indifferently compassionate.
None know my true self.
I don't know my true self.
Only God knows my true self, and that's the only thing in this crazy life I can rely on.

Daaschwoop!

So I have sorta failed at coming up with stuff to blog about. Whenever I sit down, all my intellect dissapears. This is apparently a common theme, which sorta stinks. So I decided to blog about blogging, and be truly stereotypical ironic, but I couldn't figure out what to say about that, either. Oh well, too bad. There is this really weird girl next to me who was talking into a blackberry. Do you have any clue how small those things have got?! I'm not easily impressed by technology, but sheesh...its like having a quarter in your ear! Either that or a penny that got run over by a train. I'd say this is that exact size, but who knows. I wasn't gonna go pull it out of her ear or anything.
I drove the Z here! Gosh, that car is fun. I keep on trying to figure out exactly what it's doing, and buckle in tight, and it feels like I am part of the car. =:-D
I'm also trying to figure out how all these college kids can get such nice cars. There are Mustangs galore, which isn't really that surprising. There are vans that have been ripped up, and lopped down. Wahaha. I was looking for wheels for the Z, and there's nothing good. Maybe I'll set up a video shoot for it sometime. Eh.

Well, my intent was to waste time while I waited for CAP, and I did...if only like 20 minutes. I wasn't only blogging, I was doing other stuff too. I type faster than that! Sheesh, you egotist. *chuckles* Ooh, I enjoy my life.

J~S

#depressed

Flowing from my eyes, tears of confusion
Trying to staunch the flow
What have I done, wherefrom this illusion
Since when have I sunk this low

A monster within me
The devil outside
Alone I do flee
My limbs they have tied

~me




But now I spend my days in ever-increasingly complicated ways,
Convincing myself of the rightness of each word I say.
My exit, unfair if unobserved!

MWY

Affected

From my left eye flow tears of joy,
of sorrow from my right.
"You might seem too strong to surrender,
boy, but you're far too frail to fight."
That old dull pain beats in my brain
it runs down my back into every limb-
And its more of the same
as the warmth that I seem to lack,
you'll neither find in him.

~mewithoutyou



You might sleep, but you'll never dream
Onward! Progress! Or so it seems.
You might laugh, but you'll never smile.
Come on in and waste away awhile.

~mewithoutyou