On Love...

A couple in my church is going through some serious marital problems, and the wife posted this quote:

"The promise, made when I am in love and because I am in love, to be true to the beloved as long as I live, commits me to being true even if I cease to be in love. A promise must be about things that I can do, about actions: no one can promise to go on feeling in a certain way. He might as well promise to never have a headache or always to feel hungry."
— C.S. Lewis

I saw that and was like, "Woah. That is the way to model your life." Even when you cease being in love...you gave your word, and you need to keep it.

On a side note, I think that phrases such as "giving your word" and such have been totally devalued in today's society. If someone gives you his word that he'll meet you somewhere, he doesn't have to show up. Its pathetic.

J~S

On What Makes Me Laugh...

D - You just have to figure out what you want from life, and then go for it.

M- *blank stare, then sudden inspiration* I want a cheeseburger. And a haircut. Wait, no. Haircut then cheeseburger. Don't wanna have meat-burps in the barber's face.

D - ...a truly earthshaking personal epiphany...

On Hate...

I'm a chill guy. I don't hate very many things. You know what I do hate, though? Pessimists, selfists, and fakers.

Ok, so there's all these clever anecdotes about how it'll turn out better than the pessimist thought it would...all that junk. First off, that's illogical. A true pessimist will hate it even more than when he started. That's the nature of the beast, and you can't hide it.

There are also those people who just spread their pessimism like...regurgitated peanut butter on someone else's toast. Yeah, that's how I view it. I'm looking at the peeps who text constantly about how everything sucks, and post statuses about everything bad that happens...they ignore the good in life!

Now, if you look at websites, and probably if you ask pastors, they'll say that there is a time and place for pessimism. Really? Look at the definition of pessimism. "The tendency to see, anticipate, or emphasize only bad or undesirable outcomes, results, conditions, problems, etc." Come on now, that goes against the enormous hope that we have in Christ! Doesn't it say that in everything, we should give thanks to Christ Jesus? How can one give thanks if at the same time they're just waiting for the bad to happen? Am I right? Am I wrong?


Selfists? Well, they seem to get along well with pessimists. Personally, I've seen a lot of these on facebook...for example, "____ didn't get to ___ because of ___. This sucks!" Really now. Learn to be content, miss/mister! I'm not an incredible example...especially when someone else gets to do something that I didn't get to do? I may not vocalize it, but it irks me. Heck, I'm still simmering about things that happened two years ago...even things that happened six or seven years ago. I say again, I'm not a good example. I will say, though, that I try to keep it to myself. Why should I burden other people with all the junk that happens to me? Remember that all things work together for the good of Him who sent you, so if something happens...it was supposed to happen.

Anytime someone uses themselves as a good example, it comes across as self serving, but I'm going to try and do this with some grace. I was in a moped wreck a couple months ago, had to go to the ER, pay a buncha bills, and go to a driver improvement class for no good reason. (No good reason? Whoops, did I just fall into my own trap? xD) I got on facebook in the ER and posted a status saying that I was in the ER and that I was doing fine. Now, I wasn't really doing quite fine, but I wasn't dead/dying, so there was no need to make it seem worse than it was.

Now I move to an acquaintance of mine. He gets on facebook a little bit after a wreck of his own....and makes this looong status about all the things he won't be able to do and how messed up it is. He wasn't that beat up, and he got out of the ER later that day. I thought to myself...you're not mortally wounded. You'll be out of commission for a month or so. Big deal? Can't you thank God for not breaking your neck?

Like I said, I'm not perfect. I've posted depressing stuff before. I guess...part of what upsets me is that I thought the people that posted these things were good role models, but then I find out that I'm more mature than them, and that's just not right...

Fakers. I hardly have any energy left to attack these guys. Let your yes be yes and your no be no. This is like...shooting fish in a barrel with Big Bertha, and yes, that includes me. I look at myself and what I do, and I find myself repulsive...I try and get better! Oooh man, I try...but that's the problem, its me trying. I can't trust God enough to believe that he'll change me. I come before temptation...and fall. And fall. And fall. And fall. I converse with myself as I fall..."You know you shouldn't be doing this. This is ungodly, this wrong, don't do it...don't...no...please no..........you did it..." How am I supposed to be "real" when the "real" me is a saved failure...ergh, I guess that's supposed to be how it is. I have to show my true self, and God uses that to show others how he's changed me. I just can't give myself to him. Why!?

I am saved...I know this without a doubt. I know God is shaping my life in incredible ways, and he's not afraid to make me uncomfortable to do it. If it were my choice, I would not have chosen for my dad to have an affair, go clinically insane, and attempt suicide, thus restarting my whole life. Looking back, though? He moved me into an incredible church that teaches me, it moved me into a group of peers that I can trust and build close friendships with, it gave me an opportunity to see my spiritual gifts! Its allowed me to see others' relationships, others' affairs, and grow in Christ to an incredible degree.

Really, this post isn't for you guys...its for me. I don't have any facets...I can't write songs, poetry, books, or anything of the sort. I can pray, though, and I can blog. Does God read my blog? *chuckles* Oh yes he does. He knows it even before I write it. Thank you, God. :-)

Thank you for reading this poorly organized and poorly written post...I hope I've been able to present myself as humble as I desire to be, although I'm afraid I may have failed. I'm a sinner, redeemed by grace, but still making mistakes every step of the way.



I've been fascinated with this song for a several months now. My friends don't find it that amazing, but the lyrics are simple enough that I can understand them, and sung/talked with such emotion...

We’re all born to broken people on their most honest day of living, and since that first breath, we’ll need grace that we’ve never given...

...everything falls apart at the exact same time that it all comes together perfectly for the next step, but my fear is this prison that I keep locked below the main deck. I keep a key under my pillow, it’s quiet and it’s hidden...

...because our church is made out of shipwrecks; from every hull these rocks have claimed, but we pick ourselves up, and try and grow better through the change. So come on y'all and let’s wash each other with tears of joy and tears of grief, and fold our lives like crashing waves and run up on this beach. Come on and sew us together, we're just tattered rags stained forever...

Listener - Wooden Heart

On...something...

"We're all born to broken people on their most honest day of living, and since that first breath... we'll need grace that we've never given..."

Loathing in self-doubt, toiling and trying! What is it all for, and who do we fool? We think we can do it all and when we can't, we keep trying? A model of evolution? Man's resilience? Bah! Sure, we bounce back from some physical problems. They're the only kind problems we can. Spiritual problems? Man knows as much about spiritual matters as a kindergartener knows about metaphysics! Say a man falls to temptation. What does he do? He gets up and goes, "I must fight harder! I can't let it do this to me!" or maybe he even says "God, help me get over this!" and then proceeds to try and do it himself. We don't submit to God because we don't trust him. Its like doing a trust fall, blindfolded, into the arms of someone you've never met or physically seen. We barely trust people we know, much less people who's existence is disputed daily.

"Open wide my door, my door, my Lord (open wide my door) to whatever makes me love You more (open wide my door) while there's still light to run toward..."

Still, we keep on trying. Is this persistence again? Are we trying to prove to ourselves, to Him, or to others? Are our priorities where they should be? No! We're fallen, and we sin, sin, and sin without pause. We try and do better, but wait, that's the problem. We try! I'm not saying I'm innocent, I'm saying I'm guilty. I've been dragged through the dirt by my own self-indulgence, trying to get what I want, no matter how sickeningly human it is! Man cannot fight sin! We're like a twig in the waves in a vast, vast ocean; tossed to and fro with no control over our direction, slowly rotting away till we've totally melded into the sea.

"Ya sabur, subhannallahi, a-uduhu billah minash-shaitnair-rajim, al-hamdu lillah, bismillahir rahmanir rahim."

So what's the point in trying if there's no point in trying? Do we continue our idyllic lives, pretending that its all good, that its all fine? This crime, this lie, it can't fulfill. The one thing that can fill, we are refuse to attain! No, not by the requirements or by the ease of receiving, but by our own foolishness! Do we not one day fill our heart, and the next day try to rationalize our own longings? Are we unable to truly follow His will? Yes, or no! Do we, by our sins, fulfill his plan? Yes! Are our sins still vile and punishable by death? Yes! He's given us a conundrum, one way to be saved, one way to sin, and both are the same. Moving from spiritual matters to conundrums, from one incomprehensible thing to another! Why does man try?

Kul-anaya fikr minh ka (every thought is a thought of You)
Abadan ahatmam enna ajab (never concerned about what we should be)
Hayya'alal falal qad qamadis alah (let's resolve to live in the manner God planned)
Haqq: la illaha il Allah (there is no God but God)

We have hope. Why do we have hope? We are wretched creatures, accepting the interminable grace one day and fulfilling our gluttonous desires the next. We base our society, our lives upon it! To be like Thoreau, no, no, still unable to grasp what is in our reach. Still shoving away, still shying like a child from the dark. Trusting our faith as far as we can throw it, we realize we have no faith. Are we unable to? Can this fallen heart comprehend? We have tired of trying and to our senses dying, we lose sight of that imprinted on every being, every bush.

"Because our church is made out of shipwrecks, from every hull these rocks have claimed"
Fold our lives like crashing waves and run up on this beach. Come on and sew us together, we're just tattered rags stained forever, we only have what we remember...

I know he can save me, I know he waits. I yet haven't put my hands upon the horns of that altar for the lost. Failure! Despair! Is that all that waits for me? Oh, I will live forever on the golden bricks and streets. I gave myself to Him, but have not relinquished control. When will I give in? When will I know that I can't do it? Will I give my life to a weary traveler, yet limitless Lord? Trust, give, and submit! Why does the battle rage on and on, back and forth, sawing through the tree of my hope and security?

"I am the barely living son of a woman and man who barely made it, but we're making it taped together on borrowed crutches and new starts. We all have the same holes in our hearts; everything falls apart at the exact same time, then comes together perfectly for our next step..."

As long as I am in control, I will suffer, but not for God. As long as I am in control, I will fight to remain in control. As long as I am in control, I will work hard, I will act right, I will throw myself out for the stranger on the trail. I can forgive, apologize, sin, cause hardship, cause joy, cause sadness and hope. As long as I am in control, I move my life at my own pace, working on what I desire to work, preparing my life as I desire to.

As long as I am in control, I cannot truly succeed.

When He is in control, my life will truly be complete.

Will I give up my fight? Will I accept the grace given me that I have subverted and compartmentalized? Will I?

...I think very strongly when I'm high on caffiene.

On Compassion...

Ok, I swear God's been trying to get me to be more compassionate...I've got two examples just from today. Sure, they seem like little incidents, but there was just something that I felt that I knew wasn't normal. Like...a literal weight on my heart. Call it odd, but its what I felt.

First! I ran to Lowes to get some Fix-a-Flat (amazing stuff. I'd advise keeping two cans in your car at allll times) there's a stoplight to get onto the main road, then there's a stoplight for another road. I'm sitting there at the second light, the light turns green, the lane next to me starts moving. I'm sitting there. The car in front of me is sitting there. I'm like, "Uuuhh..." and eventually (after like a minute, at least....its a long light) pull out into the other lane, throw it into first, and blast through the intersection under a yellow arrow. I see this guy in the other lane, sitting in this little white car with his blinkers on, obviously unable to move. I imagine its his engine, because tires don't usually give out when you're sitting still. This is when I started thinking...I could have run up and helped push the car...I'm probably stronger than anyone else in the lane at the time, and I've got absolutely nothing to do today, so I don't need to be anywhere. Instead, I sped by...

So I'm driving down the road with that on my mind when I see the remains of a tire in the middle of the road. I'm like, "Oh, I bet some trucker lost that...I bet he didn't even know. Pah. Stupid truckers..." and at that very moment, I look over and see a middle aged woman getting out of a medium sized pickup with a kid in the passenger seat. I'm like, "Geez...I'm such a jerk..." and as I drive down the road, I'm literally weaving across the road, trying to decide whether or not to go back. My mom had a blowout a couple months back, and I know how stressful it was for her...and I know she was lucky to have me at home to come pick her up and change the tire. Mom didn't know how to change the tire...that's just something dad or I did. What about this lady? Did she have someone at home? Surely I could have gone back and seen if she needed any help...I could have put the spare on...inflated it if need be...given her a ride home...but I didn't. It's bugged me all day.

Sure, there are people with car problems all over the place, but do they have people to help them? Are we cowards enough to leave the mom and kid stranded on the highway when we've got the time and ability to help them? That's the part that gets me. I had no reason not to stop. My evening was such that I could have driven to NC and back if I needed to. I had no requirements...I had the equipment in my car to fix a flat tire, to change a tire, and to jack a car up. I had a toolkit, I had a box with misc car parts...heck, I had work gloves if I seriously didn't want to get dirty! I had over 100$ in my wallet that I could have given her to get a towtruck if she had to...but...why didn't I!? I gave up both a ministry opportunity and a service opportunity because...because...WHY!?

Maybe I'll stop next time...maybe you'll stop next time...

Why am I writing this at 1:30 at night? Yes, I can't sleep...I can't get it off my mind.

J~S

On Pain...

So yeah, I'm in pain. :-) Still, it gave me some stuff to think about.

First, I thought about how hard it is to type without my index finger and part of my thumb.

Second, I thought about how my guitar playing was going to be...difficult.

Third, I thought of alll the little things that made that happen. The person I slowed down for...the extra time it took to start the moped...the unusual route I decided to take to leave the church, which took me around it several times...this day was supposed to happen.

Also! I just found out today...on my way home from the ER, actually, that my request for a free computer has been approved. Funny thing is, the email they sent was actually supposed to go out like...last month. It came (after some math on my part) exactly the same time I had my wreck. Go figure...or should I say God figures. ;-)

I'm gonna keep watching for what He's teaching me, and thank you all for your prayers!

J~S

On Current Feelings...

*burp*