On...something...

"We're all born to broken people on their most honest day of living, and since that first breath... we'll need grace that we've never given..."

Loathing in self-doubt, toiling and trying! What is it all for, and who do we fool? We think we can do it all and when we can't, we keep trying? A model of evolution? Man's resilience? Bah! Sure, we bounce back from some physical problems. They're the only kind problems we can. Spiritual problems? Man knows as much about spiritual matters as a kindergartener knows about metaphysics! Say a man falls to temptation. What does he do? He gets up and goes, "I must fight harder! I can't let it do this to me!" or maybe he even says "God, help me get over this!" and then proceeds to try and do it himself. We don't submit to God because we don't trust him. Its like doing a trust fall, blindfolded, into the arms of someone you've never met or physically seen. We barely trust people we know, much less people who's existence is disputed daily.

"Open wide my door, my door, my Lord (open wide my door) to whatever makes me love You more (open wide my door) while there's still light to run toward..."

Still, we keep on trying. Is this persistence again? Are we trying to prove to ourselves, to Him, or to others? Are our priorities where they should be? No! We're fallen, and we sin, sin, and sin without pause. We try and do better, but wait, that's the problem. We try! I'm not saying I'm innocent, I'm saying I'm guilty. I've been dragged through the dirt by my own self-indulgence, trying to get what I want, no matter how sickeningly human it is! Man cannot fight sin! We're like a twig in the waves in a vast, vast ocean; tossed to and fro with no control over our direction, slowly rotting away till we've totally melded into the sea.

"Ya sabur, subhannallahi, a-uduhu billah minash-shaitnair-rajim, al-hamdu lillah, bismillahir rahmanir rahim."

So what's the point in trying if there's no point in trying? Do we continue our idyllic lives, pretending that its all good, that its all fine? This crime, this lie, it can't fulfill. The one thing that can fill, we are refuse to attain! No, not by the requirements or by the ease of receiving, but by our own foolishness! Do we not one day fill our heart, and the next day try to rationalize our own longings? Are we unable to truly follow His will? Yes, or no! Do we, by our sins, fulfill his plan? Yes! Are our sins still vile and punishable by death? Yes! He's given us a conundrum, one way to be saved, one way to sin, and both are the same. Moving from spiritual matters to conundrums, from one incomprehensible thing to another! Why does man try?

Kul-anaya fikr minh ka (every thought is a thought of You)
Abadan ahatmam enna ajab (never concerned about what we should be)
Hayya'alal falal qad qamadis alah (let's resolve to live in the manner God planned)
Haqq: la illaha il Allah (there is no God but God)

We have hope. Why do we have hope? We are wretched creatures, accepting the interminable grace one day and fulfilling our gluttonous desires the next. We base our society, our lives upon it! To be like Thoreau, no, no, still unable to grasp what is in our reach. Still shoving away, still shying like a child from the dark. Trusting our faith as far as we can throw it, we realize we have no faith. Are we unable to? Can this fallen heart comprehend? We have tired of trying and to our senses dying, we lose sight of that imprinted on every being, every bush.

"Because our church is made out of shipwrecks, from every hull these rocks have claimed"
Fold our lives like crashing waves and run up on this beach. Come on and sew us together, we're just tattered rags stained forever, we only have what we remember...

I know he can save me, I know he waits. I yet haven't put my hands upon the horns of that altar for the lost. Failure! Despair! Is that all that waits for me? Oh, I will live forever on the golden bricks and streets. I gave myself to Him, but have not relinquished control. When will I give in? When will I know that I can't do it? Will I give my life to a weary traveler, yet limitless Lord? Trust, give, and submit! Why does the battle rage on and on, back and forth, sawing through the tree of my hope and security?

"I am the barely living son of a woman and man who barely made it, but we're making it taped together on borrowed crutches and new starts. We all have the same holes in our hearts; everything falls apart at the exact same time, then comes together perfectly for our next step..."

As long as I am in control, I will suffer, but not for God. As long as I am in control, I will fight to remain in control. As long as I am in control, I will work hard, I will act right, I will throw myself out for the stranger on the trail. I can forgive, apologize, sin, cause hardship, cause joy, cause sadness and hope. As long as I am in control, I move my life at my own pace, working on what I desire to work, preparing my life as I desire to.

As long as I am in control, I cannot truly succeed.

When He is in control, my life will truly be complete.

Will I give up my fight? Will I accept the grace given me that I have subverted and compartmentalized? Will I?

...I think very strongly when I'm high on caffiene.